At ten years old I can remember my dad dropping me off at a friend’s house for New Year’s Eve and me obsessively writing down and recording the top 100 songs of the year from the deejay Kasey Casum’s annual countdown.
Nothing unusual about that task as many Gen Xers did the same but I didn’t take part in the party I was attending, just laser focused on that self-imposed duty.
At 12 I swung on a tire swing in the backyard for five-and-a-half hours straight with no breaks while my mom and stepdad were at home. I couldn’t tell you where my mind was at that time except it was probably well engaged in a rich fantasy life I developed at 11.
At 14 I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, unbeknownst to me because at the time doctors didn’t write that mental illness in children’s charts. This is what my mom told me when I was in my 40s. While it is a lifelong condition, it can be managed.
So, after many years of turmoil and tumultuous times I was diagnosed on my own at 27 and by that time I had caused much havoc in my life and in the lives of others including loved ones such as my fiancée Michael at the time. I always wondered why, even after I got sober in 1988 the first time that my life was still in such chaos and was baffled as to what caused me to do more insane things in sobriety than I ever did drinking. For instance, I once ordered tons of stuff from a catalog back in the time when you could just send a check, and all this stuff showed up at my door. Most of it I didn’t remember ordering. This had happened a year before when I lived in an apartment over a hardware store and when I got home my landlord informed me, I had lots of packages that were at my door.
I couldn’t recall buying them.
The diagnosis for myself was both a relief and a curse because now I had to navigate how to handle jobs, which I’d held over 75 of to date, relationships, day to day business, and being a pet owner among many other variables. The disease causes impulsivity and high energy levels which can result in the patient putting themselves and others in dangerous situations. Eighty percent of cases of bipolar disorder are genetic.
With it often comes many romantic relationships and that was par for the course for me as was frequent arguments with friends, falling out with family, and strained relationships with co-workers as well as volatile ones with bosses. I was totally convinced it was everyone else’s fault and sometimes it was but often it was my inability to have a normal relationship with anyone including myself. The dark side of bipolar disorder is also excessive and persistent irritability which I remember having as far back as a preteen.
After being put on my first medication I remember asking a co-worker/friend: “Do I seem any different?” because I really felt so and she responded with a resounding positive, “Oh, yeah!”
Sadly, that prescription only worked for me for a short time and since 1993 I have had to be put on numerous others throughout my life due to some not being effective any more even after dosages were increased. My mind would race, especially at night so I didn’t sleep much then the next day I would experience an emotional hangover. When I would go into my manic state, which back then was called manic depressive disorder, I would get lots done then spin out and crash into depression and exhaustion.
My 20s were a whirlwind of activity at my journalism jobs so that I gained the nickname “The Writing Machine” when I wrote for a small-town newspaper in 1990. The editors loved that I cranked out so many stories because most reporters didn’t contribute nearly enough.
I remember right after I turned 30, I started going to sober parties with friends and while everyone else was playing cards, a small group of us would watch movies or TV. I can remember laughing hysterically over and over all night about stuff that was just mildly amusing, and my friend would ask incredulously and amusingly: “What ARE you on? “Then I would go home at 2 a.m. and make an elaborate recipe at three in the morning. I didn’t find it odd at all.
I did a lot of damage from my 20s through part of my 50s as I navigated having to regulate my meds with my doctors through trial and error and much to my alarm, I found out that during the time a patient is not treated for bipolar disorder it causes brain damage. So, that would have been from the time I was 12 to age 27 during which many insane things happened in my life to me and because of my illness. Without treatment bipolar disorder does worsen with age, which I’ve witnessed with a couple of friends, and it is a scary thing to observe. Drinking and using drugs as well as sleep disorders also make the health issue worse. And high carb diets can cause mood crashes, according to research.
After hearing a You Tube talk by a doctor I started tracking my moods last year. Medications and talk therapy help me and EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) has assisted my recovery in the past. I also practice cognitive behavioral therapy tools at home, deep breathing, and relaxation. Having a regular routine, such as doing chores daily, showering every day, self-care, doing the same things such as helping others, taking a mental inventory, attending a recovery meeting, talking with friends, and exercise also helps with mood stability. Having a daily practice of tasks I usually do is good for me given my childhood background of living in various institutions where things were always chaotic.
A stressful event can trigger bipolar disorder and these days I try to keep my stress low although some things can’t be avoided. I can’t remember the last time I had a manic episode and for that I’m grateful, especially since it used to be a daily occurrence.
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