My oldest sister Joy passed away July 31 after her second battle with cancer at the age of 68.
Her name suited her, especially since she was born around Christmas time and she was known for her infectious laugh, generosity, compassion, adventurous spirit, love of dogs, being a proud grandma, and affection for antiquing, among many other things.
She was a 16-year breast cancer survivor but in December the disease came back in her spine, and she underwent a week of radiation after surgery then was put on a chemo pill. She vacillated from being nauseous to in pain to sleeping so she was switched to another oral chemotherapy pill, and she started doing well. But that one caused her to develop a rare lung disease that resulted in her having to be placed on a vent which she was not able to come off during her nine-day hospital stay. It was all very sudden and tragic and it’s still a shock to all of us that it happened.
The doctors said it was Acute Interstitial Pneumonitis and rapid progression from initial symptoms to respiratory failure is a key feature, according to research.
Having had a lot of loss already in my life, Joy’s passing was a shock to the system, and I kept saying to myself this can’t be real. I got back into counseling after three years of not going, joined a support group in person and online, and got connected with others going through the same thing. I was only able to cry when I found out she passed away and at her service until yesterday when I sobbed and sobbed during my in-person grief group. I think I was only able to do that because there were only four of us attending that day including the teacher who noticed I was shut down.
I’ve never been a crier due to my rough upbringing when I had to get tough and stay that way. I cry maybe once a year and even then, it’s not much. And I can’t remember the last time I sobbed like that.
Ways for coping with grief include getting enough sleep, eating right, talking to the person you lost, being patient with yourself, exercising, creating a routine, journaling, counseling, writing a letter to your loved one you lost, and honoring them with a tribute page, photo book, or donation. It’s not good to make any major changes right away, according to experts. You can also do something special on meaningful days that meant something to you both, make mealtime plans, or adopt a pet which can bring great comfort. It’s a good idea, too, to reduce expectations of yourself and do something kind for you daily.
My sister Cindy and I are participating in a charity event next month to honor Joy. This is another way a grieving person can celebrate who they lost. Grief has no time limit or pattern, and everyone grieves in their own way. I had to accept that it can cause many kinds of emotions.
You can plan a simple activity each day. One person who lost their husband several years ago told me she makes a list of three things to do daily and plans her schedule so that she always has something to do in the morning.
One thing that has helped me also is to do volunteer work online because it is a good distraction along with assisting others. A brother or sister is someone who shares a unique co-history with you. Bereaved siblings have often been called the forgotten mourners. There’s no need to expect yourself to “get over it “or have guilt over good days, condemn yourself, or underestimate self.
Even when a sibling dies, a connection remains, according to Compassionate Friends, a self-help organization.
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