In the old days Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) was formerly referred to as “Shell Shock” because it was mainly referenced when discussing war veterans.
Fortunately much awareness has been brought to light through the years as the general public and the medical community have learned that PTSD also extends to abuse victims, relationships, domestic violence situations, people caught in disasters, those subjected to bullying, persons witnessing traumatic events, and involving various other elements.
Personal Experience with PTSD
As someone with personal experience with PTSD, I can attest to the fact that the illness’ effects manifest in my life in many different ways such as internal reminders, nightmares, insomnia, health conditions, depression, difficulty concentrating, flashbacks, intrusive memories, anger, and negative feelings among many others.
Childhood Trauma and its Lingering Effects
If I had never left home until the age of 18 (which was not the case) I still would have experienced PTSD based on my chaotic and violent childhood.
But, like multiple layers on a cake, even after experiencing child abuse I was thrown into a whirlwind of being placed in numerous institutions and homes which included a children’s home, four foster homes, three mental institutes, a group home, and back and forth between my parents.
The result was that every time I was shuffled to another placement, my PTSD just grew bigger and bigger like a volcano about to erupt.
Coping Mechanisms: Fantasy as a Lifeline
To deal with it I developed a rich fantasy life starting at the age of 11, which a therapist said was actually a very creative way to deal with the trauma of never knowing where I was going to live next. At the time as a child I didn’t consider this unique at all. It was just something I escaped to and because I’m a writer, the more trauma that was inflicted, the more detail oriented and elaborate my fantasy world became. It was what I know now as a self-soothing device to cope and to protect myself from any anticipated further harm.
The Role of Disassociation and Support Systems
No one ever knew as I was going through each event that inside I was talking to my fantasy characters because through disassociation I was able to look on the outside like I was responding to you and paying attention to what you were telling or asking me. But this protective world was my lifeline and I know now it saved me from crossing the line to schizophrenia. I knew my pretend existence in my mind wasn’t real and I don’t know why I never crossed the line into delusional thinking. But, I strongly suspect it was due to the incredible love of my sister Cindy who was four years older than me and who, no matter where I was, stayed in contact with me.
The Importance of a Constant in Life
She was the only constant in my life, and it mattered tremendously. She told me once everyone needs just that one person that stays in their corner – just one. I’ve met so many people who didn’t have someone steady staying in their life ever and the effects that had on them.
I have noticed through the years after much therapy that whenever trauma is happening to me I will retreat into that fantasy world, but only at bed time. There for awhile the fake atmosphere did not rear its ugly head and I was able to achieve much in my life. Today, by taking steps such as meditation, self-talk, and journaling as well as talking to others regularly I don’t have to react to triggers around me.
Dealing with Triggers in Daily Life
For instance, I live in an apartment where things can get noisy in the breezeway and I hear some scary things sometimes as well as loud people carrying on about this or that. Up until recently those noises would always make me so angry and sometimes I would rage to myself about them because they are similar to the chaotic stuff I heard being in two mental institutes at 14 – one for anorexia, the other for attempted assault and battery. The bullied became the bully.
Now when I hear the excessive noise in my apartment building or on the street I play music, meditate, take a nap with music which includes affirmations, or I will do chores or something creative to assure myself that I am safe and that I don’t have to shut down or lash out at myself or be tempted to open the door and yell, potentially putting myself at risk.
I tell myself something someone once told me: “It’s not happening now.” That stuff you went through isn’t happening now. It’s just people carrying on and laughing, having a good time.
With the nightmares, which are also part of my PTSD, I used to wake up and just rage about them to myself out loud. But now I just wake up, comfort myself and know that they are just part of my life, but they don’t have to run it. I truly thought my late dad who abused my sisters and I was haunting me by appearing in my dreams but now I know it’s just my brain reacting to the trauma.
Moving Towards Positivity
I also used to post a lot of negative stuff on Facebook and when I look back at those memories now I’m acutely aware of how that behavior ruled my life. Someone once told me that I was seeing the world through tunnel vision glasses as a result of my abuse. So now I look for positive things whereas before I didn’t want to hear anything like that from anyone. And that has made a world of difference.
I’m calmer now. I was always going into rages but when I did an inventory I discovered that one of the main people I was so mad at was me because I thought I should be better at 58 years old.
I can go grocery shopping now and if I hear a song that triggers a bad memory I don’t have to let it ruin my trip whereas before if I heard a certain tune or tunes I would get so angry inside and spend the entire buying experience saying to myself, “I hate this song!” “Turn it off!”
The Journey of Healing and Acceptance
All of these life changes have evolved from much mentoring, soul searching, writing, therapy, expressing my feelings to others who support me, but maybe some of it is from simply getting older as well as helping others. I have always felt things deeply, more so than most, and that is a blessing and a curse.
But today I can actually appreciate the beauty in nature, for instance or feel connected to a person. A therapist once told me “You know the war is over, you just haven’t put down the sword.”
That weapon has been put away now and I can be kind to myself and kinder to others as I deal with life on life’s terms.
Reflecting on the Past and Embracing the Future
I can remember how painful it was as a teenager to shut people out because I didn’t know how else to cope but inside I really wanted to be a part of things. It was like being trapped in my own body or head and I would always regret how I acted later and had so much remorse for ruining things by lashing out at others with the terror of being loved.
It has taken many years but I’m so grateful I don’t have to do that any more and that I have found that little kid spirit inside that is still flickering with the flame of hope and possibility.
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