Since I was three years old, I’ve had bad dreams.
As I got older, more into my 40s and 50s they got graphic and grisly, truly disturbing. I used to joke that Wes Craven should hire me to write for his movies.
Since my sexually abusive father died in 2008 my nightmares about him tripled like a haunting of some sort although the first four months after he died, I was at peace with no bad dreams or depression, and it was great. But then the ordeal started again and never left. After his death I used to wake up every hour with the night terrors. Sometimes he’d be alive in my nightmares, but sometimes not. The dreams I have about him now involve him being present. Recently the horror shows that play in my mind when I sleep involve symbolisms of my dad in the form of other people but I know they’re really representing him. All my life I’ve had nightmares about Dad and no amount of therapy or medication has fixed it.
One dream about my dad in 2021 involved him looking for my sister Debby to have sex with but instead he did that with me over and over. I collected the evidence and decided to press charges against him after a lengthy period of trying to get out of the house. It was so vivid and violent. The next night I also dreamed that he had intercourse with me but that I resisted at first then just gave in to it. In the 2021 dream my dad was talking about a man who used to be a celebrity and who now just sits at the corner and pays prostitutes. I remember in the delusion when I was leaving Dad's I was just praying to be able to get away so that I could press charges against him. Now that I think about it this is parallel kind of to when I escaped from him when I was 17 only, he didn't have sex with me.
Experts say establishing a regular bedtime, avoiding screen time and heavy food before bed, exercise, relaxation before going to sleep, and setting regular wakeup and bedtimes can help. Writing down the dream after you have it is also supposed to be therapeutic. Some medications also cause nightmares. Eating well, maintaining a healthy weight, drinking enough water and looking after your mental health are also helpful. Other tips, according to experts, include grounding, drinking a cold beverage, using an ice pack, and smelling a scented item such as a candle, orange, or lotion.
When my grown birth daughter McKenna was little, I used to dream that someone was trying to kidnap her or was hurting her. I had an awful one which was re-occurring where she was an infant and my sister Cindy and Vicki, McKenna’s adoptive mom is in the dream, and I can't take care of McKenna. In this episode I was trying to feed her, but I kept giving her the same thing instead of fresh carrots. I forgot to give her those and I knew Vicki would be mad. I could hear Cindy in the background saying, “You've got to tend to her before she starts crying.” McKenna was in distress. I swaddled her and made sure she had her stuffed animal, but Vicki was standing at a nearby nurse's station she had set up and called me over repeatedly to have my vitals taken. Vicki was accusing me of making McKenna sick.
Since Vicki was a nurse back then she was very efficient and she and Larry, her husband who is still a nurse were giving me very unforgiving looks. I was trying so hard to make McKenna happy, but I couldn't. I kept tending to her, but I couldn't help her. I was also taking care of other babies at the time, and I couldn't handle it.
It’s rare that I have a good dream but when I do, I’m so grateful.
I was put on Prazosin for nightmares several years ago and for a month I was at peace in my sleep. But it stopped working gradually then not at all. Nightmares can cause heart disease, depression, and obesity, according to research. PTSD is the most studied cause of these night disorders.
Recently I’ve had an onslaught of nightmares since my oldest sister Joy passed away July 31. But then I had a great sweet dream about my late Aunt Kay like she had been sent to comfort me.
It also helps me to distract myself when I get up by getting busy if it’s in the morning and calling others as well as using a mantra and reading.
My usual bad dreams involve someone trying to hurt or kill me, family members abandoning me, someone breaking in, or nightmares involving pets I used to own that are being victimized. I also still dream about some past abusive bosses occasionally that I had, and I have recurring ones that my sister Cindy dies or about the two years I went through dental hell. There for a long time I kept dreaming that my late stepdad was beating me as an adult and it got to the point that I started wondering if he really did and I just blocked it out. Being a severe asthmatic, sometimes I’ll dream that I’m having an asthma attack then I wake up having one.
Someone asked me today how I handle these nightly nightmares, and I told them that until recently I used to wake up in a rage but now, though I wake up mad, I calm myself down with breathing techniques, meditation, and distraction. I’ve accepted them as part of my life, and I don’t know if they’ll ever go away but I can change my reaction to them.
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