I was sober almost seven years before relapsing in 1995 and it took three relapses for me to make it back, finally establishing a new sobriety date of Dec. 8th that year.
Defiance is the main characteristic of alcoholics. I don’t have to be a victim of circumstances anymore. As alcoholics, we play the big shot and we either feel worthless or the best. In recovery we accept that we’re just going to be the middle of the herd and lead a balanced life and be one among many. Alcoholics tend to have extremely low self-esteem or be grandiose, according to what someone in recovery told me.
Having said that, I’ve learned a few things along the way, including the past nine months when I went from just being without a drink to emotional sobriety. I had been on a long, dry drunk for several years but was in denial about it. Relapses are sometimes caused by living as an alcoholic sober and making the wrong choices. My self-centered fear is being afraid of losing something I have or not getting what I want. I may feel in hell but I’m not.
Some of the things I learned include keeping up with recovery meetings daily, not isolating, talking about things that are bothering me, returning calls, not avoiding people, watching out for rationalizing insane behavior, avoiding overreacting, keeping a tight watch on finances, and seeking counseling again. Also, looking at ways I may be sabotaging myself, getting help immediately if me abusing yourself or others, using prescription drugs as prescribed and not borrowing friends’ pills, getting enough sleep, exercise, and eating the right foods.
I did a lot of things that were insane drunk and sober. I was acting in self will and I wasn’t living in today. I can repeat several times a day, “Right now everything’s okay” and accept reality, not worrying all day long. Some of my life I’ve lived in self-will and been miserable. I practice pausing when dealing with others, so I don’t have to make double amends. I must catch myself in the middle of the irritation because this is where relapse starts. The craving for a drink starts the maladaptive coping mechanism. My mentor told me that our brains and bodies as alcoholics are so uniquely made that the brain will tell us to do the thing we know we shouldn’t. If I can, I need to catch myself before my brain tells me to drink.
It's the loop reward cycle. My brain wants me to feel better.
I was always a great reactor – just losing my temper as soon as someone got to me. At the first of the year, I was taught to ask these questions:
“Does it need to be said?” “Does it need to be said by me?” “Does it need to be said now?” and “Is it thoughtful, necessary, kind, or helpful?” Any thought can be inventoried, and the unknown is my friend. I don’t have to let my feelings control my actions.
In recovery I don’t drink no matter what. I’m powerless over others’ actions. When I’m judging others, I’m projecting my own character flaws. When dealing with some government agencies, for example, I can do lots of self-talk like “This is common.”
At the end of the day, I write a list of five things I’m grateful for, take a deep breath, give myself a minute away when tempted to react to events, stay in today, and try not to ruminate about the past or future. Now I attempt to not create more damage. Someone in recovery also instructed me to say out loud daily ten things I’m grateful for. When I start rehashing the past, I sing one of my favorite songs. I call someone in recovery daily to see how they’re doing.
Feeling guilty or ashamed is a choice. I had to change my self-talk when it came to dealing with chronic illnesses. Before I say or do something, I run it by others.
The acronym FEAR can mean future events appearing real or face everything and recover. I don’t have to be afraid of change. I can think about what’s good about today. I don’t have to overthink or overanalyze.
I ask myself daily “How can I be of maximum service to others?” and “How can I bless someone?”
I had to start breaking self-destructive patterns in sobriety and begin treating myself with respect. Insane thinking leads to insane behavior.
I must forgive myself because I’m not doing those actions today. When the guilt thought pops up, I go do something else.
I have to take it to the bitter end in my mind when I think about drinking – remember the things that have already happened to me. Sometimes I must holler out loud: “Stop it, Terri!” when obsessed.
I try not to analyze stuff to death but just stop the behavior.
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